Best letter of the week

From the Minneapolis Star-Tribune: by way of Swampland @ Time

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate
the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks
people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you
say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I
may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a
deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the
afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get
something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame,
glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean
nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen
"Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti,
there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs,
Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my
style. Nothing against it — I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're
doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings — just,
come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep
blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may
need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

(The actual author is identified as Lily Coyle, Minneapolis.)

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